Forgiveness...

[rimturse]

It's Gandhi's birthday and Paula posted a few of her favourite Gandhi quotes, one of them being:

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

And this made me think. I consider myself a strong person, but my strength is probably mainly the ability to pick myself up and plod on, regardless of what's thrown at me - and I am not sure I am able to forgive. Of course this leads to the interesting question of "What is forgiveness?"

1) Is it the ability to accept that you have been wronged?
2) Is it the ability to embrace someone who has wronged you and say "It's okay, it doesn't matter" and truly mean it?
3) Is it the ability to understand why someone wronged you and based on this understanding not take it to heart?
4) Is it the ability to deliberately "forget" that you have been wronged?
5) Is it the ability to continously love someone, no-matter what they do?

Me? I never forget. Ever. But all depending on the wrong doing and the circumstances I might be able to achieve 2) and 3) - and so far I've always achieved 1), although it sometimes has been as bitter and as difficult to swallow as black bean soup.

5) I cannot. If someone keeps doing me wrong, my love towards them dies little by little with each wrong doing. This might be different if I had children, but I am not so sure about it.

I guess 2) is the essence of true forgiveness and probably the hardest to do - and I will be the first to admit that if someone does something truly terrible and horrible, then I will never be able to say "It's okay, it doesn't matter."

What is forgiveness to you? And are you able to forgive?

Comments

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

I think I see forgiveness as a combination of these. Not #4, so much, but the others, yeah. To be able to look at the world with love and understanding. Maybe not, "It doesn't matter," and forgetting, but...acceptance, if that makes any sense.

The ability to say both, "That broke my heart," and, "I will not back away just because I'm afraid."

Which doesn't mean that there aren't good reasons to back away, of course. And sometimes fear is a symptom of those good reasons. So it's tricky.

Forgiveness and the process of trying to forgive is really, really hard on me. I'm never sure whether that's because it's also really, really hard _for_ me (a basic lack of faith in humanity) in particular or whether that's because it's really, really not (an excess of same).

[frigg.livejournal.com]

*nods*
It makes sense. Thanks for sharing.

[hkneale.livejournal.com]

People make out forgiveness like it's some big, complex thing.

It's not.

Forgiveness is simply the ability to let go of the negative emotions such as anger, hatred, bitterness so that they do not destroy you.

There is no need to accept that you have been wronged. Just don't let it get to you.
It doesn't mean you must embrace the person who wronged you, unless that was the relationship you had before the wrong, and wish to have again. But hey, relationships evolve and change. And depending on the level of wrongness, maybe will grow apart, and that's not necessarily for the bad.
Understanding why someone wronged you can go a long way to being able to let go of the negative feelings, but is not necessary. It's the letting go part that's important.
Forgetting the wrong isn't necessary. Not letting it continue making you angry or upset is.
As for love...

Love is one of those things that as it can grow, it can also die. Love must be nurtured and cared for. Wrongs are like having nails driven into a tree. A few small ones here and there cause momentary pain, but that can be overcome. However, many nails, or large ones will damage that tree so that it will be unable to grow properly.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with who or what wronged you. It has everything to do with how you let that wrong affect you.

It's all personal.

Forgiveness means to recognise the negative emotion as soon as it hits you, and then to consciously let it go. One cannot grow as a person when weighed down with negative emotions.

Forgiveness as a permanent thing can be hard to achieve. Sometimes the bitterness crops up now and again. The key to maintaining forgiveness is to let got of that emotion as quickly as possible. So that means if your heart twists up at three in the afternoon, see if you can get it to untwist by three-oh-one.

Don't let the monkeys get to you.

And that's it.

Can you believe it took me thirty-five years to figure that one out? But I did, and I'm so much happier for it.

---

If you don't mind anything with a Christian slant, the best book on forgiveness I've ever read was The Miracle of Forgiveness" (http://www.amazon.com/Miracle-Forgiveness-Spencer-W-Kimball/dp/0884944441/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1254522648&sr=8-1) by Spencer W Kimball.

[frigg.livejournal.com]

You take on forgiveness does seem easier to achieve and accomplish, I a, definitely the kind of person that wants to move on and forward and not let myself be dragged down by old hurts. It's interesting to see in how many ways the term forgiveness can be interpreted and understood.
:)